DURARARARARARARRARARARARARARARA
by jyugo
Summary: Namie wants to go camping and brings Izaya along, which entails a series of events that are beyond human comprehension as we know it. (Crack fic. Shizaya. OOC)


**eeeyyy it's ya boy mentally challenged woolie mammoth named ben who also drinks in the afternoons to avoid the shame of his family who are legally trained sex educators for goats**

Namie wanted to see the mountains. Well, she didn't. Her brother, Seiji, did. Seiji had said the mountains reminded him of the decapitated head that was currently sitting on Izaya's shelf, and how peaceful looking the were.

But he didn't want to head up their because he was too busy staring at the old pictures of the said head that he had taken during childhood. But Namie wouldn't let it go. If she could distract Seiji from that head and pay attention to her, for at least one second, then she would be happy.

But she wasn't going alone.

Oh no.

She was taking Izaya.

Why? Bears, lions, tigers, oh no. Were there even bears in Japan? I don't know. Well, there were panda bears weren't there? Or was that China? I feel racist now because I actually forgot. I know there's no bears in Australia. I just checked that up to confirm that so I didn't embarrass myself. Pandas aren't even bears. Did you know that in Australian history their are carnivorous koala's? They don't actually exist though. I just checked that up to confirm that so I didn't embarrass my self.

I got really off track holy crap.

Starting over; Namie was taking Izaya for safety measures, in case they met some unseemly people then she could sacrifice them to appease their zombie overlords or whatever.

But convincing him would not be easy.

"Why do you need me?" He asked stupidly. _For the zombie overlords obviously_. How did he not know? How stupid, but it'd be even more stupid for her to tell him something so obvious.

"Because Shizuo goes up there sometimes to dry his dead squirrel collection."

"Why would he need to dry them?"

"He gave them a bath, you take a baths, don't you Izaya?"

"On occasion I guess. I usually take showers. their quicker so I can continue spying on my dear humans. I took a shower yesterday."

"Izaya?"

"Yeah?"

"The waters been broken for a month, how could you have taken a shower?"

"Public bathhouses."

"Pervert."

"Only for Shizuo."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Namie sighed, this was getting her nowhere. "Are you going or not?" Izaya didn't look up from the paper he was currently reading, and took a sip from his coffee mug which was currently empty.

"Why should I go? There are no humans in the _wilderness_."

"There's... Campers."

"Those are portable tents Namie, not humans."

"Not those kind of campers dimwit, I meant the human kind."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll go. I haven't really had the chance to look at that subspecies of human anyway." He got up, headed to his room, and came back dragging an all-ready packed suitcase filled with definitely-not-gay-porn magazines. He already said he was only a perv for Shizuo, didn't' ya hear? Stop thinking such dirty things. Pervert.

"Well, let's get going." Nami grabbed her stuff that she had stuffed under Izaya's couch for some reason and they both headed out the doorway.

* * *

"How long is this gonna take?"

"Izaya, you asked that ten minutes ago. Two. Hours."

"Lies, if you said I asked that ten minutes ago, that means it was two hours ten minutes ago. Now it's an hour fifty. Stop lying to me Namie, this is why I hate you."

"I though you loved all humans."

"What? I never said that."

"What?!" Nami stared at him in blank confusion. "That is literally the base of your character! You always go around saying, "I LOVE HOOMANS!"

"Hoomans, yes, humans no."

"..." Namie was not up to this nope nope nope.

"I LOVE HOOMANS OKAY. AND HUMUS. HUMUS IS GOOD."

"What the hell Izaya."

"That's where I plan on going."

"I thought we were going camping."

"Me too."

"What?"

"Camping is hell."

They stared at each other, gazing awkwardly into each others eyes. A sudden stop slung them both forward and one of the suitcases full of dirty porn mags with Shizuo's face taped on each one of the persons on the magazine that flew out of the opened storage case. Namie's eyes widened as one particular dirty mess of a butt porn fluttered onto her head like a graceful butterfly trying to do one of it's own kin.

Please get that image out of the head you're like twelve why are you even reading this

Where are your parents

"Izaya, why is Shizuo's face on both the guy and the guy he's doing? He's doing himself."

"That's a thing Namie, ever heard of Tumblr? Also, these are _your_ porn mags, you of all people should know."

 _'Crap he's right.'_ Namie thought distastefully, _'How did he even get a hold of these? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE THESE-'_

"Your stops here. GET OUT." The taxi driver looked angrily at the two, porno's all over him. The two said nothing but grabbed their luggage and opened the door. As Izaya attempted to clean up the mess of magazines, the driver stopped him.

"Leave those here." They looked each other in the eye, connecting on a spiritual level. Though nothing was spiritual about this, this is porn we're talking about here. _PORN._

Izaya said nothing and backs out of the car.

"I want to die." Namie mutters, standing on the base of the 3 mile trail that led up to the mountain.

"Well if you wanted that we should have gone to the Suicide Forest. It's in Japan. Which is here. Where we live. Right now."

"Izaya?"

"Yeppers?"

"Please shut up."

"Can I shut down?"

"Whatever get's you to be quiet."

"Do you think **The Foot** lives here?"

"¿Que es eso?"

"It's a **foot** detached from a body that makes you smell it while you sleep. Sometimes he even steals your socks."

"That's hot."

"What?"

"What?"

They stared at each other, gazing awkwardly into each others eyes. Namie sighed, and pointed to a park ranger or whatever they have in Japan.

"Go ask how long the trip will take to get to the top of the mountain."

"k." so izaya-senpai went to the park ranger named _Princess_ _snowdrop summer mccrystalwater_ who was born in america but is actually japanese and not a self-insert and she is also very plain but the most beautiful girl in the world-desu.

"Yo, how long does it take to get to the end of バグ・プープ trail?" (okay, so it's supposed to say bug poop but idk if it's accurate i checked it up and got sidetracked and read a whole article on scariest bugs in the world and i need to change my pants)

"Um, just a minute..."

"Thanks." Izaya walked back to Namie. "Just a minute."

"Woah."

They grabbed their luggage and headed up the mountain trail. Namie was absolutely postituley going to get whatever she was going to get for her brother Seiji, nothing would stop her now.

"Um, Namie."

"Yeah?"

"I sprained my ankle."

Namie looked back to see a fallen Izaya, face first in the dirt, ankle most definitely sprained.

"God have mercy Izaya, how diddly did you diddly do that? It's literally been two seconds."

"It was the **foot**."

"I hate you. Come on." She grabbed backpack-suitcase whatever you bring when you go camping and opened it, revealing rope.

Just.

Rope.

"Izaya, why do you only have rope? What about, I don't know, first aid?"

"B-"

"No BDSM jokes"

"Screw you. BDSM. Also, I like rope. It's made out of Shizuo's hair."

Namie immediately dropped the rope in disgust, retching and gagging.

"lol im kidding."

"oh thank god."

"it's seiji's hair"

Namie immediately took the rope in her hands, and smelling the scent of Seiji's shampoo, _Testosterone's Obsession_. She tied it around her waist, and Izaya's waist and suitcase, and continued to walk up the mountain dragging him behind.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oh please, don't be a baby, it's better than just leaving you there."

"No, it's really not. At least I could leave!"

"I never said it was better _FOR YOU_."

"Don't treat the injured in such a fashion."

"You're a fashion disaster Izaya, you already do that to yourself. Have you even SEEN your coat? Ugly. Awful."

"DON'T TALK TO OUZIHS LIKE THAT!"

"Is that... Shizuo backwards?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, Shizuo is just a bit too obvious isn't it?"

"Well, so what? What you named your car is even stupider!"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT IJIES LIKE THAT!"

Izaya smirked evilly and they continued on there way. Nami's arm strength was amazing, and after two and a half miles she finally decided to take a break.

"That didn't take very long." Nami sighed as she sat down, drinking out of a water bottle she had brought that i guess just magically appeared.

"Yeah, a minute actually." Izaya looked at his non-existent watch as he still laid on the ground. The sun was setting and Nami watched the sky get darker, in awe at the beautiful sunset that reminded her of Seiji, reminded her of why she was here.

But it didn't remind her to take the picture even though the sunset apparently reminded her of why she was there? uh take the picture you pincecone.

"oh flig flobs i forgot to take the picture," Namie said, as she browsed the internet on her phone, checking up "cool curse words for kids."

"what do you plan on doing now?"

"I guess we'll just take it in the morning, it's too dark now." Nami grabbed the tent supplies from her newly appearing backpack. She set up the tent as ZayZay decided for once in his life to-

"SIT DOWN. BE HUMBLE."

"izaya are you freakin one marker short of a Crayola Ultra-Clean Washable Markers™ pack?"

"what's that?"

"oh yeah i forgot you didn't have a childhood."

izaya looked at the leaves on the trees which had leaves because it wasn't winter it was summer. He brought his hand up to his eyes, dramatically not covering one as his bangs fell forward despite gravity. (he's laying down)

"Namie is so funny. I had a childhood of course, a pretty normal one in fact." Namie turned to Izaya, her arms folded and an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Of course, my parents were never home, so I had to raise my sisters by myself. I have to say it's partially my fault they ended up the way they did. Well, except for their creepy infectious love for each other, that developed on their own. Much like you, huh?"

"I bet they would have grown up to be better people if you had been there for them like a normal brother."

"Oh, but I was! I think that was the problem though. I know I'm not normal, at least by my precious humans standards, but I'm willing to live with that. I was always there when I could be, and I think that's how they became corrupted. They were around me too much."

There was a long silence, and Namie started a small fire.

"... Izaya?"

"Hm?"

"Why do you say you blame yourself for the way they turned out to be, do you think they turned out to be bad people?"

"namie are you a retard have you even met my sisters."

"Fair point, but that must mean you feel bad that they turned out to be bad people, therefore you care about the way they turned out. You care about their well-being is what I'm saying. There's no way to say 'you BLAME yourself' if you don't feel bad."

There was silence for three days, as they simply stood and stared at each other, achieving ultimate clarity as they learned photosynthesis. This was the true way to live, as their consciousness slowly faded, to what Namie could only be describe to be becoming sustenance for the plants, to become one with the universe.

wait no they were just dying of dehydration

"QUICK DRINK YOUR PISS"

"IZAYA WTF"

"WHY DID YOU SAY WTF OUT LOUD LIKE YOU DIDN'T EVEN CURSE YOU JUST SAID AN ACRONYM FOR A CURSE WORD"

"izaya i'm not gonna lie the author doesn't really like cursing like i think i've said hell once or twice i'm not gonna go back and check but honestly this is a christian server to please no swearing"

"fuck you and your outdated memes."

"So we've gone back to using periods now."

" _You_ definitely have thats for sure."

for some reason namie got the distinct feeling of someone yelling "ooooh" across the mountain, but paid it no mind as she tackled her injured boss.

"HEY HEY HEY THIS SHIRT IS NEW"

"YEAH AND SO IS THE NEW BUNGAHOLE I'M GONNA TEAR YOU"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN ENGLISH"

"知っている!" (i know!)

She strangled him as they both rolled down the hill, stopping once they hit their heads on some rocks and got a concussion.

probably.

"where are we?" izaya asked confused. Namie shrugged,b ut then felt instant anger bubbling up inside her chest.

"UUUUGH WE WASTED THREE DAYS AND NOW WE'RE LOST? I'll never get Seiji's attention now."

"I don't remember that being a new development."

"You're parents wish you were dead."

As Izaya tried to drown himself in a six centimeter pond Namie looked around for any clues. Blues Clues to be exact. Ever watch that show? Dude it was lit that was my childhood. Also if anyone prefers Joe over Steve meet me behind the Empire State Building and we'll roast some toasty marshmallows because even though we have different opinions and you are clearly wrong we can get along and still be friends.

That's what Steve would have wanted.

bro i need to take some pills so i can focus or something holy guacamole i keep forgetting i'm writing a durarara fanfiction and not a 12 page essay on blue's clues.

Namie found nothing useful and sat down in defeat. Even though it was the afternoon, she felt exhausted. It was a hopeless situatuon. She'd never get the picture for Seiji, and even though she still had her backpack, there was no telling whether the amount of food they had brought would last till they found their way out. She didn't want to use her phone to call anyone, at least not yet. It had about 50% and even though that seemed like plenty, it was an old model and she hadn't found the time to upgrade, so it's battery life wasn't the longest.

Namie was broken out of her train of thought as she stood and grabbed some sticks and leaves.

"Come on you idiot, even though it's the afternoon there's no telling how long this will take to build or if it'll rain, and we need shelter."

"blub blub blub."

"What?"

Izaya stopped trying to drown himself and looked at her with annoyance. "If you want shelter so bad, build it yourself. I don't need it, since I'm leaving this physical plane."

"pretty please with a cherry on top? :3"

"Oh my gosh fine but never make that face again you mentally challenged rooster."

"k thx"

It was late at night when they finished everything, and they crawled into their makeshift sleeping bag. The tent was made out of large sticks held together by tree sap and leaves and the rope Izaya had brought.

"If I die I will destroy everything you have ever loved."

"You were literally trying to commit suicide two hours ago."

"I have certain ways I want to die and in the woods beside an incestous pedophile is not one of then."

"And drowning in a six centimeter creek is?"

"Shut up. It's better than the previously stated form of death."

"Can't imagine why."

"I can. I may not be underaged or Seiji but people know your into younger men and what will they think if they find me dead like this? Beside _you_?"

"Don't get your panties in a twist -I know your wearing them- they would never find you beside me of all people if you died. I'd dump your body in the river before they could."

"What if you died too you dumb pumpkin pirate."

"Then we'd be screwed simple as that."

They said nothing else and went to bed. The woods were quiet and peaceful for the first few hours. Nothing but bugs making bug noises and animals making animal noises.

Specifically a bear. Yeah, that's right, there are bears in Japan. I could only find one in the twenty second it took to research it but apparently the Asain Black Bear lives on like, an island of Japan. Namie and Izaya aren't even on the right island though so let's just say it escaped from the zoo."

Sniff sniff.

Namie and Izaya awoke to the cracking of dawn and of sticks. Really big sticks, like logs. Specifically the ones that were apart of the tent.

"Namie?" The raven haired man whispered.

"What?"

"Did you hang up the food like your supposed to?"

"We had no rope left."

"Then why didn't you just put it up in a tree?"

"I was busy making the tent! Why didn't you?"

"You're taller! And where is the food now?"

"In here with us."

Izaya mentally wet himself as he heard a large sniff behind him touch his neck. He turned and saw a large shadowy figure was looming over him. He screeched loudly and scrambled for the backpack. The bear, offended, roared loudly as the backpack was slung in his face. Namie and Izaya ran through the dark woods, the sun illuminating nothing as it barely peaked behind the mountains.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh-" Izaya nearly tripped on a stick lol what a loser and Namie laughed.

"Shut it, the entire reason we're about to die is because your idiotic fascination with your brother and your poor attempt to please him!"

"Pffft your the idiot who agreed to come with me."

"At least _I_ didn't think it would be a good idea to sleep with food RIGHT BESIDE ME!"

Namie looked behind them to see the shadowy figure of a bear finishing the contents of the backpack, and panicked as it chased after them for seconds.

"What do we do Izaya?!"

"We don't have much of a choice but to climb a tree. Once the bear finds us and climb up after us, we jump to the next tree."

"Um excuse me but I am not a parkour master like you."

"I know your not, but you're definitely not a track runner either."

Izaya jumped up a tree, easily holding onto the branches and pulling himself up. Namie followed suit and found that she was better at it then she thought.

The bear was close behind them, and Izaya jumped to the next tree as bear swat at Namie's leg.

"Jump you dumb green banana!" Namie looked her insulter then at the bear, who's paw was centimeters away from her leg.

She jumped and crashed onto Izaya, who tumbled off the tree and fell hard onto the ground.

"Great..." He muttered as the bear quickly jumped down from it's perch. He threw Namie off him as she was kind of groping his chest which is not cool and this is not a harem anime and she quickly made a run for it.

"THANKS NAMIEEEEHAHMGHAAAAH!" The bear, being a complete douchebag, grabbed at Izaya's ankle, digging it's claws into it. Izaya tugged his foot away before the bear could get a good grip on him, and with adrenaline kicking in he did a handstand, flinging his legs up and kicking the bear. He was pretty weak for a 24 year old man though, so it did nothing but stun the bear for a few second, but that was enough time for him to get away.

He heard the bear growl and start after him, but he climbed up another tree and repeated his previous idea. As he continued to jump from one oxygen giving plant to another, he felt a bit light headed. He could also hear running water in the distance, and by the sound of how fast the water was going he could only think it was a river.

'I'll lose him there, I might have been able to out-parkour him using the trees if I wasn't injured, but this is my best bet.'

He jumped down from the tree and ran for the river. The river shimmered like a really shiny river in the rising suns shine, and the dark haired man climbed a tree near the river and waited for his prey to find him.

And it did.

The bear was a lot like a certain blond, the info broker thought. Stupid. Big. (in a different way from shizu-chan if you get what i'm sayin' wink wunk) Dumb. Not attractive.

wait what

The bear started to climb the tree Izaya was on, and as it got closer and closer, Izaya backed away slowly onto a limb that dangled over the river like an idiot like this is the super smart morally ambiguous antagonist we're supposed to fear how is he this stupid.

As the bear, like a beautful tight rope walker, made his way across the limb gracefully. Izaya had chosen this specific tree because it was close to another tree that was in his jump distance and was thicc enough to jump onto ooooh yeah.

He jumped onto the next tree, swung around it like a pole dancer and with al his might he kicked the bear in the front leg, making it pull it's paw up in pain. It lost it's balance on the branch and crashed into the river.

" _Ho_ _ly shit I just fought a bear_." He thought in amazement.

" _Holy shit I'm gonna pass out_." He thought in panic. As he fell into unconsciousness, he tumbled off the tree and would have had a concussion if someone had not caught him.

"Stupid pineapple." Was the last thing he heard before his world went black.

* * *

Izaya awoke to find himself in a extreme amount of pain. His ankle was bandaged thankfully, but he found himself not in the woods anymore.

He was in a helicopter, piloted by Shizuo.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh-" Izaya was about hyperventilate. Did shizuo look good in dat uniform or WOT SON.

"Izyaya bro!" Welp, boner gone. His sisters were also in uniform but the uniform was armor instead.

Was this a dream?

"Namie called us..." Kururi stated, lifting her helmet's face part up. "She said..."

"That she was done with this camping shtick and didn't want to get charged with murder since you were kind of bleeding out. You fought a bear though?! Gnarly!" Mairu interupted, seeing Izaya's confused expression. He looked over at Shizuo, but Shizuo only glanced through the mirror that was taped onto the ceiling for some reason or another.

"Where is Namie? And Why are you dressed like that?"

"Dangling from this flying contraption by the rope. Apparently she needs a picture of some sort. Also costume party. Shizuo doesn't actually know how to fly a helicopter."

Then they crashed but were unharmed thanks to their protagonist super powers and were actually back in Ikebukuro.

"Well that was awful." Namie said who was soaking wet because Shizuo doesn't know how to fly a helicopter and flew the wrong way and actually flew over the ocean to Cuba where he delivered them from communism but that's for another story. "But at least I got the picture."

Her phone dinged and she saw that Seiji had posted a picture of himself and the head in front of the travel angency building where they had a huge poster of a mountain on it.

'better than the actual thing lol #yoloswag #nolongeravirgin #secretlyafurry'

Izaya laughed, but it wasn't one of happiness. "I guess this was just a distraction for you so he could find out where the head is without your interference. He probably found out that you work for me and then searched my place for it. I probably shouldn't have kept it on the shelf in plain sight."

As Namie threw herself into oncoming traffic, Izaya was lifted from his spot on the ground by the oh so hot bishi Shizuo Heiwajima. (more like biSHIzul amiright hee haw)

"You don't need a hospital," he said SEDUCTIVELY AS HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND THE SMALLER MANS BACK AND BUTT AW EM GEE. Shizuo fingered the crease of the younger mans butt.

"I'll take _good care of you_."

"Shizu-" The raven haired man blushed as the older blonds lips made their way to his, paying no mind to public indecency as he hand went between the ravens hips or that Orihara twins were watching. They didn't really mind though since the pictures would sell for a killing.

Nobody was really paying attention either since Namie was trying to super hard to commit suicide but only got a bruised leg and a slight concussion as an American Civil War survivor's horse drawn carraige hit her going only 2 1/2 miles per hour. Or meters. Whatever.

i don't really know how to end this so in the end Namie was only deeper in the sister zone and Izaya was out of the enemy zone then end

 **i was hoping to hit at least 2000 or 3000 characters buuuut no**

 _ **i went the distance**_


End file.
